The Right Thing
by lovewinter
Summary: Jack chose his family. And Sam? JS. Angst.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Right Thing

Keywords: JS  
Rating: K+  
Timeline: four days in January 2002  
Disclaimer: nothing is mine

Huge thanks to Sharon, who follows me like a shadow and keeps me 'in character' with Jack (above all, but not only! :)), and to Diane, who corrects all my many errors and suggests details as only a true JS fan could. You are awesome, girls! THANK YOU!

N/A: I'm here again. You know that English is not my language, so be patient with me. I'm trying to improve! This story is JS, but I warn you, it's not a happy fic. This is a very 'angsty' story. If you want to read my idea on how Jack ended the affair go on and enjoy this, otherwise I suggest you to find a happier story. There is plenty of them in these days! ;)

For you, who want to go on with me, Buona lettura! I hope you will enjoy this!

* * *

**THE RIGHT THING**

**PROLOGUE**

SAM

_I knew that it was going to happen, but that didn't make it less painful. Jack had just gone away. I had sworn to myself that I would never let a man make me cry, but this time I can't hold back the tears…_

"_It's the right thing to do. I have to do the right thing for my family… and for you"_

_Those had been his last words to me before he left. I couldn't speak. I knew if I tried, the tears would come and I did not want him to see how hurt I was. I sensed this day was coming, but I didn't believe it could happen so soon_…

She closed the door behind him and stood with her back against it. She could hear his footsteps walking down the corridor until he started to go down the stairs. He didn't hesitate; he was going away without any second thoughts. When she was sure he wouldn't come back, her legs turned to rubber and she felt herself sliding to the floor. She sat on the floor; her hands were in her hair and her head bent over her knees. She started sobbing. And her sadness turned to frustration…

_How could he decide what is best for me? He may think he can just go home and play the loving husband and caring father, but I know it, he will be living a lie… _

She had only to wait; her 'back was against the wall'.

* * *

JACK

Jack was driving home. The streetlights were a blur. His eyes, but not his mind, were on the road.

_I have just done what I never wanted to do. I just hurt Sam. It never should have happened. I was the one who was married. I was the boss. I was supposed to be older and wiser._ _She didn't deserve that._ _But it was the right thing to do – for everyone._

He had to do the right thing – for his wife, his children… and for Sam.

_Even if it wasn't the right thing for me?_

He barely noticed the traffic light change. He stopped just in time to avoid hitting a family crossing the street to Central Park. They were happily eating ice cream cones…

As he watched them, his mind flashed a memory of Maria and the girls on a similar walk…

…_they had stopped for ice cream cones, he was trying to eat his but the girls both wanted to hold his hand. One of them grabbed his hand and his ice cream fell to the ground. They were all laughing and the girls offered him in turn bites of their ice cream…satisfied to be able to hold each of Dad's hands…_

The light changed but he did not notice. The car behind started beeping his horn. He came to his senses and headed home. He could not risk losing his family.

_Is Sam worth it? No. I have to try to make things work._

He had seen so many parents lose their children through no fault of theirs. He had seen parents disappear and children run away… Here he was – he had a wife and two beautiful daughters, but he was too selfish to love and appreciate what he had.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter One: **Any Day Now**

It had been two hours since Jack left and Samantha had been wandering aimlessly around her apartment. She had to keep busy and pretend things were normal. She picked up the phone several times to call a friend to get drunk with her so she could forget… But her mother's words from so long ago kept coming to her mind…

…_if you want to get rid of the pain, you must first feel the pain…_

_I never felt my mother said anything valuable, so why does this keep coming to my mind? If my mother could see me now she would say: "Samantha, you can move to New York, go to college, join the FBI and pretend you have changed, but you are still the insecure, lost little girl from Kenosha…"_

_Why am I not enough for him? At the very end I was just a diversion. When my relationship with Jack started I didn't know how important he would become to me. I believed he was different from other men. But in the end he just wanted from me what his wife didn't give him. I fell in love with him. Can this be the reason he left me? I never asked him to leave his family and I didn't ask for anything else. But maybe he feared that I would. _

Samantha had sensed a change in him probably before Jack himself was aware of it. She could read him very well. That nagging sense of guilt when he felt he was not doing the right thing was burdening him.

W_hy did I have to fall in love with such a complicated man?_

_Our relationship was so wrong, and so right, on so many levels… He was older, he was my boss and he was married… three red flags that should have warned me from the beginning. But I chose to ignore the warning flags in order to believe in a fairy tale that didn't exist. I grabbed the dream he was offering because I needed it, I needed a support to face my job and everyday life. He offered me his experience, his understanding, his affection. I gave him what he was not receiving at home. But we existed as a couple only in a secret world made of stolen moments and lies._

She had to stop thinking, she had to find a diversion. As she was collecting newspapers spread across the coffee table, one fell to the floor. Picking it up, Sam recognized Jack's handwriting on a crossword puzzle. He loved crossword puzzles. But the memory of a puzzle reminded her of a night a few weeks earlier…

…_it was Saturday and Maria and the girls were visiting relatives out of town. Jack stopped on the way to my apartment to pick up some take-out. I was happy that we could spend some time together without lying. I could see that the lies were affecting Jack more every day. Maria didn't suspect anything, I was sure of that, but I could see Jack starting to feel the burden of our secret relationship. I could read the guilt on his face after a phone call to his daughters or a lie to justify a delay. I sensed that something was changing, but I wasn't sure I could do anything about it. _

_We talked about the last case and how glad we were that it was solved quickly and with a happy ending. We enjoyed our Chinese take-out and he was relaxed. I felt happy to see that side of him. I wondered if Maria could see it. I would want to kiss him and cuddle him for as long as possible. _

_Later that evening, we were lying on the bed. I had my head on his chest, it was raining lightly, and he was working a crossword puzzle. He asked me about a town in Wisconsin, starting with B, and I told him about a trip to Baraboo when I was in eighth grade… we laughed. It seemed so right, yet there was something that wasn't right. We had this private moment, but there was an 'elephant in the room' – his marriage. And, very soon, he had to leave me and return to her._

"_What are we doing, Jack?"_ she had asked him as they were lying on the bed listening to the rain.

After a very long pause, he had finally whispered, _"I don't know."_

Samantha tried to keep busy to forget Jack, but he was all around her, even in a simple crossword puzzle. Putting the newspaper with the others, she just could not help questioning her motives.

_Did I cause him to have second thoughts? We were happy at that moment, so why did I question our actions? I felt I was losing him. Something was changing. He was quiet, we did not talk like we used to. Weren't 'we' enough anymore for him? I had felt his interior conflict arising and then growing. It was becoming more apparent every day. Could I do anything more? Should I try to convince him that he was wrong?_

_No, I couldn't; because deep inside I knew that he was right. We couldn't go on that way; something had to change or our relationship would be doomed._

* * *

**N/A: Thanks Diane! Jack's shirt was absolutely a free-time shirt!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Two: **Too Much to Lose**

"Daddy!!!"

Jack was barely in the door when Kate jumped into his arms and planted a big kiss on his cheek. "Hi sweetheart!" he said, and, scooping her up, he added, "where is your sister?"

"She's helping Mom… they' re baking cookies."

Jack went to the kitchen carrying Katie. Maria and Hanna were taking the cookies from the oven.

"Pay attention, honey, the baking tin is very hot," Maria cautioned Hanna.

Jack had to smile seeing his older daughter in her pink apron with flour on her face. She reminded him so much of Maria.

_She seems so grown up. She is so serious about her baking. I still remember her when she lost her teddy bear and couldn't sleep for three days… Now she is here, helping her mother in the kitchen… How much have I missed?_

"Daddy, I want a cookie. Let me down." Kate brought him back to reality.

Maria turned toward them and asked with more than a bit of sarcasm: "What are you doing home? Did the FBI building burn down?"

"Taste it!" Hanna pleaded as she brought a cookie to her father, hoping to avoid another fight between her parents.

She was so proud and happy. He missed her smiles. Hanna was very similar to her mother; she could make him feel guilty only with a glance, but on the other side, one of her smiles could make him forget everything that was bad.

"It's delicious! Can I have another one?" Jack said while he tried to brush the flour from his daughter's face.

"Jack, change your clothes so we can have dinner all together for once," Maria said without looking at him.

Jack kissed his girl's head and added, "Help Mom set the table. I'll be ready in a few minutes."

He was changing his clothes when, putting his belt on the chair near the bed, he noticed the new picture of the girls that Maria had put on the bedside table. He took it in his hands. It was a picture taken the previous Christmas. The girls were dressed alike in the red and green plaid skirts Maria bought them. They looked so full of fun and joy… and he was saddened when he remembered that he wasn't with them

_But, it wasn't my fault… _

…_Just when we were going to leave to go to Maria's parents, a young woman, belonging to one of richest families in New York, disappeared. I had to lead the investigation because Vivian was already gone for the holiday and Danny and Samantha didn't have enough experience. Maria obviously wasn't happy. She left anyway with our daughters and I stayed alone in the city for Christmas. I promised my girls that I would join them as soon as possible. Of course, I would love to be with my family for the holidays, but my job is important. My job is saving lives. I wish my family – my wife – understood this. _

_We solved the case quickly. The woman had run away with a college student. Everyone was safe. We even had the time for the office Christmas party._

_I asked Sam if she had __plans f__or the night. _

"_Yeah, I have a very 'original' Christmas Eve plan: go home, change into something comfortable, light my Christmas candles, pour a glass of wine and lie on the couch with my favourite red quilt, and watch 'It's A Wonderful Life'," she answered and sipped her eggnog. _

"_Really? I haven't seen that movie in years. I used to watch it with my mother as a kid," I told her, looking at her face and hoping for the right reaction._

"_If you are feeling nostalgic, my quilt is big enough for two." Her tone was nonchalant, but I could see her eyes shining looking forward to a night together. _

_Obviously we were at work, so we had to be discreet, but we knew what was coming. _

_By 9:30 p.m., we left the office for the day. We each took home paperwork. It was a decoy, so no one suspected we would be together. There were already 3 inches of snow covering the streets and a snowstorm was forecast for overnight. I probably wouldn't be able to leave New York until the following afternoon. _

_There wasn't anyone in the office, so we left together. The parking lot was almost empty. She had arrived by taxi that day, so took my car. I opened the door for her, as a gentleman should. She thanked me with a coy smile. I climbed in the driver's side and leaned into her. I whispered something in her ear. I don't remember what it was, but it made the drive home very interesting__… _

As they pulled away, Sam and Jack were only aware of each other. Neither one of them noticed that Paula Van Doren had exited the elevator and was watching them with more than a little interest.

…_When we arrived at her apartment, she literally ran up the stairs. She reminded me of my girls, who were so excited at Christmas that they could not wait to open their gifts. By the time I caught up with her, she was sitting on the couch surrounded by warm flowing candles._

_We were half dressed on the couch when my phone rang. My daughters were calling me before going to Midnight Mass. I felt Sam draw back; she picked up her blouse and went into her bedroom. Hanna and Kate were so happy and excited and wanted me to join them as soon as possible. I was caught up in their joy and thought about what I was missing._

"_You shouldn't be here" were Sam's words when she came back after I ended the call._

"_Come here, sit down," I said patting my hand on the couch._

_She did as I said and leaned her head against my shoulder… _

"Dad, DAD! Are you ready? You know, Mom doesn't like to wait." Hanna was calling her father, who seemed distracted.

"Sorry, sweetheart. I'm coming"

"What are looking at?"

Holding the frame, he replied, "You and your sister are growing up so fast!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Three: **Exercise in Futility**

Samantha's weekends were dedicated to errands, cleaning, laundry, shopping. But this weekend had a more important purpose – as a diversion from the reality of what had happened. But she couldn't escape. Jack was all around her – a razor, a toothbrush, an FBI t-shirt, a dirty white shirt, a fresh change of clothes, some books and even copies of old case files.

_What should I do with his things? I could ship them to his wife. I could take them to the office and present them to him in the bullpen with everyone watching. That would be fun. "By the way Jack, you forgot these things at my apartment. I didn't wash the clothes; I thought that should be a wife's task."_

A smile crossed her face as she plotted her revenge. A noise from outside the window made her turn. There were pigeons fighting for crumbs on the window sill. She returned to collect her dirty clothes and Jack's shirt stuck out

_You must feel the pain… yeah, 'great' advice, Mom! I shouldn't have doubted you ever gave good advice… I could shred his shirt and use the strips to scare the pigeons__._

Carrying on her task, she heard something fall to the floor. It was the necklace that Jack had given her.

_I don't remember the last time I wore it. Vivian's suspicions made me very cautious during the affair. I did not want to make up stories and so I chose to avert questions. But from now on I'll be sure to wear it every day – it will be a perfect reminder for Jack…_

As she bent to pick it up, her playful scheming turned to sadness. As nostalgia took over, the phone rang. She had been waiting for a phone call from Ally, a friend from Social Services. They had plans to meet for lunch. She was anxious to go with Ally to get her mind off Jack, so she rushed for the phone. Seeing the caller ID, her excitement ended. It was Jack. She just stared at the phone and after four rings, it went to voice mail.

"Samantha, it's me. I am only calling to say I'm sorry and I hope you are okay. I have to try to make things work with my wife. I have to do it for my children. (pause) I have to go now. See you on Monday."

Samantha felt her knees buckling at the sound of his voice. She leaned against the wall. She had mixed feelings; she was angry with him and she was angry with herself.

So, _his daughters are so important to him? Where was his concern for them when he started sleeping with me? And what about me? What about what I need? Am I not important to him? I should have known this was going to happen…there were so many signs… How stupid was I? His guilt had become an obsession and it showed in his actions. I lied to myself from the beginning. I forgot too soon that our first time together was just a romantic liaison, not meant to be forever. We had played with each other for months before giving in. When he gave me this necklace for Christmas (2000) I was surprised. I was confused; it meant something was about to happen._ _Then, a year later, we spent Christmas together. But I should have known that I was living a false dream… _

_...But, I was so happy, it was a dream come true. Jack and I, together for Christmas.____When he asked me how I planned to spend the holiday, we were at the office Christmas party with everyone around. So we had to be discreet, but I knew what he was really asking! It took every once of control to not jump into his arms and kiss him!_

_We went to my apartment. We were cuddling on the couch. Everything was perfect, until his phone rang. His daughters wanted to wish him Merry Christmas before going to Midnight Mass. _

_The ring of the phone and the joy echoing through it sent me crashing back to earth, and it wasn't a soft fall. I picked up my clothes and went to my bedroom._

_Couldn't he be mine, just for a night? I was angry and I had no right to be. I felt defeated. I knew that his daughters were the most important part of his life, but in that moment I was pretending that we were alone in our world. Why did they have to steal my time with him? Real life was knocking and nothing I could do would keep it from entering. 'The elephant' was there. He was with me, but he would not be mine alone anymore. _

_When I heard him say goodnight to his girls, I went back into the living room. I studied him for a moment. I could see the change in his demeanour – his thoughts were with his family. I did not want to say it, but the words could not be held back, "You shouldn't be here, Jack."_

_He motioned for me to sit on the couch. I leaned on his shoulder and his arm found its way behind my back and his hand squeezed my shoulder. He leaned toward me and kissed my forehead. _

_I could feel him slipping away, but he couldn't leave me so easily.__I needed to hold him and show him how much I loved him. I had to use his guilt to my advantage._

"_You miss your family… I understand." He couldn't look at me. He stared at his shoes. "Jack, look at me. You will be with them tomorrow. Can't you just give me tonight?"_

"_I'm sorry, Sam. I wanted tonight to be special…" He had put on his best sad face._

"_This is our Christmas – here and now." I smiled at him and tilted my head. I saw the tension leave his body and he started to relax. I gave him a gentle kiss. Looking into his eyes, I knew I had him back. _

"_Why don't we go somewhere more comfortable? Like the bedroom," he whispered._

"_Wonderful idea." _

_That night we made love as if there was no tomorrow. And, I did not want tomorrow to ever come…_

The phone rang again. She approached it tentatively.

_If it is Jack, should I answer? Do I want to talk to him? What would I say? _

Samantha was relieved when, looking at the caller ID, she realized it was Ally.


	5. Chapter 5

**N/A**: Thank you to all the readers! Huge thanks to _Sharon_ (this chapter has been a real nightmare for her! :) ) and _Diane_. The next update will be a little late; I'm going away for some days..Happy New Year!

* * *

Chapter Four: **Secrets Revealed**

Jack sat in his armchair, laptop open, files spread on the coffee table. It was Saturday morning and he wasn't on call. Maria had taken the girls shopping and he took advantage of the quiet to do some work.

Their last case had been complex – full of twists and turns. A college girl had disappeared. Their first suspect was her boyfriend, who was studying in Boston, but it turned into a dead end. Their investigation led them to a college professor with whom she had a secret relationship.

_When I interviewed him I could have been looking in a mirror. The professor was not involved in the girl's disappearance. I knew that immediately. He began to discuss the affair. She was so young and was very attentive to him. He knew he was making a mistake; he was married. But they grew closer and closer and soon they were 'together'. He knew he was jeopardizing his career-- the college had strict rules about fraternization-- but she made him feel so good, so young, so sexy. It ended when his wife found out. She told him to decide – his family or his girlfriend. He realized how much he loved his wife and what he was doing to her, so he ended the affair. It had taken a long time for his wife to start to trust him again. It took a lot of work, but the professor was sure he had done the right thing. I asked if his wife could have done something to the girl. He was sure she had not_.

_How would Maria react if she knew? Would she react as the professor's wife did? Would she be as understanding? Would she give me a second chance or would she show me the door? My job has already come between us. She thinks it is more important to me than my family. If she knew about Samantha, I can only imagine how she would react. And with what happened Thursday at the office, even my job could be in danger. The professor was sure he had done the right thing. Am I sure I did the right thing too? _

…_It was Thursday and Paula Van Doren was expecting me in her office. She had called me hours before and, as usual, I responded in my own time._ _I did not know what was coming! I entered her office and she asked me to close the door behind me. I gave her the reports. She asked me, actually she told me, to take a seat._

"_Is there a problem?" I asked impatiently._

"_I am considering how your team would be affected if we transferred one of your agents."_

"_Why?" I asked._

"_I know there is something going on between you and Spade…"_

_How could she know? We were so careful! Was she just guessing or did she have proof? I was careful not to react._

"…_I saw you leave the parking garage together at Christmas and I started to watch you carefully because I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. Your body language, the looks between you, the slight touching – what were you thinking, Jack?" Her words were accusing, but her tone was that of a friend warning me to be careful. _

"_Things are not always what they seem to be," I nonchalantly interrupted her. _

"_Don't play games with me, Jack. I have seen it with my own eyes. We both know what's going on!" Her previously friendly tone became harsh. She was no longer my friend; she was my boss._

"_Is there anything else?" _

"_No, just think about what you are doing or Ms. Spade will find herself in another unit." _

_I sat in my car, not sure what to do. I knew I had to warn Sam. I couldn't ask her to choose between us and her job. What have I done? I have jeopardized Sam's career. What have I done to her reputation? Did anyone else know? Vivian didn't miss anything; I thought she was suspicious. I was quite sure Danny didn't know._

_That night I did not go to Sam's as we had planned. I phoned her and, for the first time (ever), I lied to her. But I needed some time to think. I told her that the meeting with Van Doren had been longer than I expected and I was late. Maria had invited my father for dinner. Sam told me that it was okay, she understood. She would give me my birthday present another time. _

_I found myself outside my favourite bar. I needed a drink. What had happened in the last 36 hours had been totally unexpected. Maria's words haunted me and Van Doren's revelations were real eye openers. Suddenly I realized the consequences of my actions. Was Maria right? Was my job more important than my family? And Samantha, what was I doing to her? Her career was now on the line, and I had been so selfish to risk the most important thing in her life.__How badly was I hurting my family, my daughters – the most important part of my life? I couldn't go on that way. I had to be a better father for them. I had to try to make things work with my wife. I couldn't fail Hanna and Kate as my parents had failed me._

_I took my phone and called Maria. She was going to pick up the girls after a movie. I was close by, so I told her I could pick up them. I left the bar and drove toward the theatre. __I was waiting for my daughters in the car, when I saw them come out of the movie with their friends. They were laughing and happy and they didn't see me right away. It was heart-warming to see their smiles. But when Hanna saw me, she went from happy and laughing to silent and angry. In that moment I made my decision – I had to make it right for everyone. _

Jack finished his work and was thinking about how he would spend the rest of Saturday. He was lost when he did not have his work to think about. He closed his laptop and collected his files. Maria and the girls would be home soon, and he had only a few minutes to call stood up and picked up the phone.

_One ring, two, three, four… voice mail. _

Jack felt a sense of relief.

"We are unavailable to take your call, but leave a message and we'll get back to you. Beep."

"Sam-antha, it's me. I'm only calling to say I'm sorry and I hope you are okay. I have to try to make things work with my wife. I have to do it for my children." He didn't know what else to say, except 'it is best for you too.' "I have to go now. See you Monday."

When his family arrived at home, Maria went to the kitchen and his daughters went to their bedroom.

He couldn't concentrate, so he went to check on his girls. Hanna was doing her homework and Kate was drawing; she lay on the floor with all her crayons spread around.

"Dad," Kate said and grabbed her drawing and ran to him. "This is for your office. I saw the picture of Hanna and me on your desk, but this is better!"

Kate had drawn the entire Malone family. She had drawn her mom and dad holdings hands. Jack hugged her. Standing there with his arms around Kate, he knew he was where he should be.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Five: **Out of the Blue**

Samantha was lying on her couch surfing through the TV channels. It was Saturday night and she was at home. Jack was at his 40th birthday party with all his family, his friends and some of their colleagues. She could already hear the questions that would be waiting for her on Monday.

'_Samantha, you missed a great party. Great food and lots of laughs! And his daughters? The sweetest children in the world!' I'll have to come up with a good excuse and put on a brave face. Or I may tell them the truth, it could be interesting… "I'm sorry I wasn't there, but we've been having an affair and Jack chose Friday night to break it off and I was not really in a party mood!"_

…_Friday night I had to hand in my report to Jack before going home. I went to his office. He was at his desk. He was massaging his temples. I approached his desk and placed my report on it. He ignored the file and looked up at me._

"_We need to talk," his tone was serious, "but not here. Can I come to your place later?" This definitely wasn't work related._

"_Sure. See you later then." Displaying a calm that I didn't feel, I smiled at him and went back to my desk. I collected my things, I said goodnight to Danny and went to the elevator._

_I arrived at home and forced myself to follow my usual routine. I was nervous. Jack wanted to talk with me. Why? Did it have to do with the fight he had with Maria on Wednesday? She had come during the lunch break. She went directly to Jack's office without looking at anyone. Vivian and I were in the bullpen. I tried not to look at them, but at some point we could hear Maria's voice. We couldn't distinguish her words, but it was clear she was mad at him. _

_Could she have discovered something about us? I didn't think so. Jack wouldn't have waited two days before telling me that his wife knew. He would have warned me._

_My imagination was working overtime, but I never could have imagined what was to happen in an hour._

_Jack knocked at my door._

"_Hey. Come in." I let him in and closed the door. He went toward the couch, but then he stopped half way. He turned. His hands were in his pockets. He was looking at his shoes. I needed to look into his eyes. "Jack, what's going on? What do you want to talk about?" His guilty expression betrayed his intentions._

"_Sam, you know, things at home have been rough lately. After what happened at Christmas, things got even worse. ____Maria made it clear that my work has interfered too often with our family. My daughters were upset that I was not with them. She was embarrassed in front of her parents, who did not understand why I wasn't there again. Maria told me to decide what I want. Do I want to be a husband and father? We can't go on like this. It is becoming apparent to the girls that something is wrong."___

"_Oh." I couldn't breath. I knew there were problems, but that moment came out of the blue. I could see he had made his decision and it didn't include me._

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Can we talk about this?" I felt I was climbing a very slippery wall. "I mean, ww..what about us? What about me? I need you and I think you need me."_

"_The price is too high. It's not just my marriage that is at stake. Our careers are on the line. Van Doren suspects. She told me to think about a transfer for one of my agents."_

"_She is just guessing; we've been so careful…" I was grasping at straws, trying to find anything, but I knew it was pointless. He had already decided._

"_Sam, you deserve better – a part-time relationship with your married boss. It could ruin your career and your reputation in the Bureau. We have to stop this. I'm sorry; I know that I'm hurting you, but it is the right thing to do. I have to do the right thing for my family… and for you."…_

Samantha took her red quilt from the couch arm and covered herself. She was shivering.

_How can he be so sure he is doing the right thing? He is 'the right thing' for me. I love him. What we had was good. I can be myself with him; I don't feel judged. He is different from other men. At least I wanted to believe he was different. I was fooling myself. Samantha Spade and men – two opposite universes with no connection. He has always told me that I have a 'thing' with men. I never told him why. Maybe I should have. _

_I don't know what I am feeling; one moment I am angry with Jack, the next I would like to be in his arms. I have sensed a change in his feelings. He doesn't feel comfortable with me like he did. I felt this coming, but I thought that we would have talked about it. I needed to prepare myself. It was so sudden. Only last week we were at my place discussing a case…_

…_I was sitting on the floor, Jack was on the couch and there were files spread everywhere. Between us there was the coffee table with what remained of our dinner. _

"_I don't agree with you. In my opinion, you had been too hard on the boy. At the end he spoke, but if he asked for a lawyer, we could say goodbye to our chances to find the child."_

"_Sam, he knew where his friend had taken the little girl, so we had to scare him."_

"_Yeah, but…"_

"_Sam, stop it. We found the child, she was okay and all ended well. Don't think too much about what could happen; we did our job."_

"_You don't want to admit that maybe we could have handled the situation better, Special Agent Malone," I jokingly added while collecting the files around me. _

"_I think you need to get a feeling for my interrogation techniques," and getting up from the couch added, "Come here, Ms. Spade." _

_I stood up and tried half-heartedly to escape, but he reached me and put his arms around my waist. I felt at home tightened in his embrace. I tried feebly to free myself._

"_What are you going to do? I am bigger than you… you can't go anywhere." His lovely raspy voice whispered into my ear._

_I turned and looked into his eyes. "You won. I'm yours; you can do anything to me."_

"_Really? I didn't know it would be so easy to capture you, Agent Spade… I should make note of that in your personnel file."_

_We ended that discussion in my bed…_

_That night there were no phone calls, and we could pretend to be a normal couple. Why am I continuing to fool myself? I was pretending that we were a couple; he had his family waiting for him at home. And obviously they are more important than I am. Why did I start this? When I left Kenosha and moved to New York I promised that my life would be different. I would be different. Why do I continue to repeat my mother's mistakes? I hated her choices. In the end, I am not any better. Well, at least I have better taste in men and I don't have children to neglect. Good job, Sam! _

The sarcasm in her thoughts was a reflection of her frustration. She turned the TV off and got up from the couch. As she walked past the bookcase, she spotted the birthday present she had bought for Jack. She was going to have a surprise for him on Thursday. But, he called and said he was needed at home. Samantha said she understood, but down deep she sensed he was lying. And Jack had never lied to her before.

She could not control the tears now wetting her cheeks; she wiped them with her fingers. She took the gift and tossed it into the trash bin. "Happy birthday, Jack."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Six: **Happy Birthday, Jack!**

It was 7:35 p.m. when Jack arrived at the restaurant. His wife had organized the perfect party for Jack's 40th birthday. Little did Maria know that this was the last place Jack wanted to be. Maria had invited his father, their friends and even all his team. Danny had other plans and Jack knew that Samantha would not be there.

"Happy Birthday, Daddy!" Kate exclaimed while jumping into his arms. Hanna followed her sister, but she didn't share Kate's enthusiasm.

"Thank you, girls!" Jack kissed his daughters' cheeks.

_Hanna is still so angry. She is old enough to understand that things are not good between her mother and me. And at the mention of my job, she turns that cold shoulder to me. What can I do? _

…_On Tuesday, I was scheduled to pick up my daughters from school. I was wrapped up in a case and I arrived late. They were in the principal's office waiting for me. When I walked in Kate was crying and Hanna was sitting next to Kate and holding her hand. Then when she saw me, her face turned to anger. She turned her back to me, picked up her backpack and headed for the exit…_

"Dad, where's Danny? Is he coming?" Kate's excited voice made Jack's thoughts return to the party.

"Sorry, Katie, he is not coming, he had other plans for tonight. But he said to say 'hi' to you and to give you these." Jack searched in his pocket and found two lollipops for his daughters. "One is for you and one for Hanna."

Hanna took the sucker and put it in her pocket without showing any emotions.

_I have to reassure her that I am here for her and for her sister. _

While Kate was happily unwrapping her lollipop, Jack squeezed Hanna's shoulder, keeping her near him and asked her, "Where is Mom?"

"She is over there," Hanna answered him, indicating a table in the corner.

As they approached Maria, she was pouring herself a drink.

"Thanks for doing this, Maria. It's a great party."

"You're late. And I did this only because the girls wanted it. Anyway, where are your co-workers? Kate was looking forward to seeing Danny. Where is the blond? Are they tired of looking at you? If you spent as much time with your children as you do with them…," her voice was ice cold.

"Maria, could we just enjoy the party? There will be plenty of time later."

_What happened on Wednesday was still fresh on my mind._

… _Maria had stormed into my office during the lunch break. I didn't pick up the girls from school in time the day before and Hanna and Kate were very upset with me. Hanna hadn't said a word to me since. They were children, I could understand. But why was my wife so mad? I was only a bit late and I had a good reason. I could not help that the interview was so long. I've been late before and she never reacted that way. My wife told me I had to choose – my work or my family. I had to set my priorities once and for all. She was tired of my absences and of finding excuses for me. _

"_You have to change, Jack! Decide what you want, or I will decide for you."_

_After she left, I sat at my desk and her words raced through my mind. What did she mean she would decide? Was she thinking of leaving me? Was I close to losing my family? I can't let that happen. Why can't she understand me like Sam does? Sam… what if Maria found out about her? How could I explain to my wife that Sam provided what she no longer did? Maria is asking too much of me. Or, is she right? What happened to us? We've become strangers living in the same house. Are our children the only thing we have in common? Has it been my fault? I love my family. Am I pushing them away?..._

Jack was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't see Vivian approaching.

"Happy birthday, boss!" Vivian approached with a gift-wrapped bottle of scotch. "I was elected to buy your gift and I knew I couldn't go wrong with this!"

"Thanks, Viv! You know me too well, and you know I will put it to good use!"

"Where is Sam? I thought she was coming," asked Vivian, scanning the restaurant.

"I don't know exactly, she said something about not feeling well… the line was blurred …"

"Jack! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you were busy. I'll talk to you later."

" No, Dad, come here! This is Vivian Johnson. We have worked together for years. Vivian, this is my father, Frank Malone."

"Glad to meet you, Agent Johnson. I hope he is not as grumpy at work as he is with me." Vivian smiled and greeted Mr. Malone.

Jack could read a 'you have to give me a better explanation' expression on Vivian's face.

_Maria will question Vivian, and I respect Viv too much to put her in a position where she has to lie for me. If she doesn't know anything, she will not have to cover up for me._

"Could you excuse me? I'm sure you both have a lot to say about me. I'm sure my ears will be ringing."

Jack left them to their conversation and headed toward the bathroom. He washed his hands and threw cold water on his face. He looked up at his reflection and his mind went to the night before

…_By the time I reached Sam's apartment, what I had to say was clear in my mind. __How would she react? I stood outside her door dreading what was to come. I knew she would be hurt. Maybe she would try to change my mind. I had to think about my family. It was the right thing to do. Sam would be hurt and angry, but I know she will understand as time goes on. And, her career was on the line. Van Doren had been clear,--Sam would be transferred to another unit. She loves her job, and I cannot let that happen. I should never have allowed the affair to begin. It was the wrong thing to do, but I needed her… _

_Now what I need is my family. And they need me. I have to make this work._

Jack went back to the party room. He searched for Hanna and went to sit near her. She was swinging her legs to the beat of the music that only she could hear.

"Hanna, honey, you know I love you, right? You and your sister are the most precious things in my life."

"And Mom?" Hanna's eyes, full of hope, turned toward her father.

"I love her too, sweetheart." Jack took his daughter in a tight embrace and kissed her head.

Hanna put her arms around Jack's neck and bent her head against his chest. Then, looking up at him, she asked, "Dad, will you come with us tomorrow? Mom said that she would take Kate and me ice-skating. Please?"

"Sure, but now let's go or Kate will eat all the cake!" Jack held out his hand and Hanna took it. And for the first time in days, Hanna's face was smiling at her father.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Thanks to all of you who are reading this story! Huge thanks to Sharon and Diane, who made this story 'readable', and a special thank to DG from Maple Street, who explained me the complex map of NY underground. :)

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Chapter Seven: **On Thin Ice**

It was one of those mild, sunny winter days in New York that makes you want to get out and enjoy the day. The bright sunshine and warmer temperature made Samantha think a run could help her keep her mind off Jack. She grabbed her running shoes from the closet and chose Central Park as her destination.

She took the B train into Manhattan and got off at 86th Street. It was Sunday morning and the subway wasn't full. She approached the park entrance, looking curiously around. There were a lot of people that were warming up in their jogging suits. She hated the cold and rarely ran outside in winter. But the invigorating day and the situation made her reconsider her Sunday routine. She loved to run through the park; it reminded her of her Quantico days. She got up early and trained with her roommate, running through the beautiful Virginia countryside.

An hour and half later she approached a kiosk, where she stopped to buy a cup of coffee. She sipped the hot coffee as she walked toward the park exit. She was distracted by the sounds coming from the ice rink. She remembered when she went there with Danny the first Christmas she joined the MPU, and she smiled at the thought.

As she turned to continue her exit, a familiar gravely voice made her suddenly turn back, "No, girls, please… I can't do this!" It was Jack. He was the last person she thought she would see there.

_Perfect! Just my luck! Jack and his family. What are the odds? Oh, please, don't let them see me!_

"Daddy, please!" his younger daughter pleaded as she was pulling his sleeve.

"You promised." Hanna was clearly testing him.

Samantha did not have to hear what they were saying to understand what was going on. She wanted to get away, but she could not take her eyes off the scene. Jack was shaking his head, pretending to be fearful while surrendering to his children. The girls were dancing with joythat they had coaxed their father onto the ice.

Samantha's eyes moved from Jack to Maria, standing on the side, watching her husband and the girls having fun. Samantha felt like she was intruding on a private moment that she would never be a part of.

_I know this is where he belongs, and whom he belongs to, but it still hurts. We would never have public moments like these. But, would I like to be the one holding his hand on the ice rink? Really I don't know. I never asked to be more than his mistress. Why was I so willing to accept that? Why was I willing to settle for another woman's husband? Anyway, it is not important anymore. He left me, and I let him go without a fight._

Samantha was angry with herself; she let Jack leave her without trying to stop him. And now she was passively standing there, watching as Jack put on his skates and tentatively approached the rink entrance. Hanna was proudly holding his right hand, helping him to stay on his feet. Suddenly, with a big smile, Jack took off like an expert skater to the delight of his daughters.

"Dad, you are just fooling us!" Hanna exclaimed with mock surprise.

_So, Jack ice skates! There is so much about him that I don't know! What do we really know about each other? What do we have in common? Our work, the emotions that come with it, love of our work… and, a common loneliness. Yeah, work and loneliness have been our connection! We never shared anything from our past, anything about our childhood or what made us become who we are. I know more about Danny's private life than Jack's! That should make me realize what our relationship really was. We were only looking for a diversion! _

_But I would lie if I said this. Jack and I had a relationship built over thousands of hours spent working together; it's right, but work is our world. Our relationship grew from Jack being my mentor, then friend, THEN lover. If his marriage hadn't been so damaged, our first night would have been our last. I knew that our relationship couldn't last forever. It was just an affair. Then, why does it hurt so much?_

On the ice rink Jack and his family seemed happy together. Maria was helping Kate and Jack was near Hanna, holding her hand. She was laughing at one of her father's bad jokes.

_I understand. He feels he has to try working things out with Maria. He loves Hanna and Kate so much! I knew this would have happened sooner or later. I was only a little part of his life. I can pretend that his wife doesn't exist, but I have no chance against his daughters._

Watching the happy family, Samantha suddenly realized that Maria kept her distance from Jack. She used the girls like an invisible wall between her and Jack.

_But, what does Maria want? I'm not a profiler, but I know how to recognize when someone is not being truthful. I learned to recognize the signs and I see them in Maria. She is pretending; I can feel it. The scene playing in front of me isn't real; they are trying too hard. Is Jack lying to himself? How much time will pass before Maria realizes that Jack will never change? Should I wait for that to happen? If I was stronger, I would ask for a transfer. But I know that I am not that strong. I am willing to settle for whatever relationship I can have with Jack. I am so pathetic! …is that what people call love? _

_Jack will fight, because he loves his daughters, but his marriage is doomed. They have grown too far apart, but neither of them has accepted it. Maria needs a type of commitment that Jack can't offer – he is and always will be 'married' to his job._ _They will try over and over again, but will always fail. I feel sorry for the girls; they are being deceived by their parents. Above all, Hanna, who seems to have in her Jack's empathy for what is happening around her. She will suffer the most._

Samantha turned back toward the park exit and started to walk away.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Here we are! The last chapter! Thank you, reader, and a special thanks to who found the time to leave me a review. Huge thanks to my awesome betas, Diane and Sharon. After 'all this angst' I'll try to write something happy! I promise, Diane!

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Chapter Eight: **A New Normal**

Jack arrived early on Monday morning. The office was still empty. Walking down the corridor, he stopped to look through the glass toward Sam's desk. There were awards and degrees, but no pictures. Her desk was a perfect 'office desk'. All that an observer could have discovered about the desk's occupant was her name, her studies and her excellent shooting skills.

_There is nothing personal there. She is hiding her personal life like she hid her life with me. All I really know about her is what is seen on the desk – work. We never talked about our past, we just 'seized the moment'. I wonder how she is doing. I guess I'll know in an hour or so. Will she be able to hide her hurt, her anger? I know we will be able to work together-- we are both professionals--but probably it will be uncomfortable for a while. It was all my fault. We will both have to live with my mistake._

Shaking his head, he went into his office and sat at his desk. He lowered his head and rubbed his eyes.

_The first time I saw her was here, in my office. I needed a new agent for the squad, and Van Doren let me choose among three agents--two men in their late thirties and a young woman with less than six months of field experience. I don't know why, but she totally caught my attention. _

"_So, Agent Spade, why would you like to work missing persons?"_

"_Everyone knows the MPU is the place to be in the FBI, and I want to be with the best."_

_At the end of the interview we shook hands and she added, looking directly into my eyes, "So, what are my chances of getting this assignment?" _

_I was intrigued by her intelligence and her self-confidence. Her answers were direct and she never hesitated. She seemed to know all about MPU. She did her research; she knew what she wanted. She looked right into my eyes when she talked to me. There was also a mystery about her, or maybe, just like my dad, I've always had a thing for blondes. _

_When I told Vivian that we would have a new agent, she wasn't too happy about my choice, and maybe she was right._

"_Vivian, Van Doren accepted my request. We have a new agent. She is starting Monday."_

"_What is her background?"_

"_Her name is Samantha Spade and she comes directly from Quantico."_

"_Behavioural unit?"_

"_No, Quantico as FBI __Academy__."_

_Vivian immediately questioned my choice, "What? What are you thinking adding another rookie now? I am already working with Danny. I can't take on another newbie!" _

"_Don't worry, Viv. I will take care of her training. You keep working with Taylor."_

_I was constantly amazed and intrigued by Agent Spade's ability. She was intelligent, curious, dedicated…and, a breath of fresh air. Little did I know how she would change the unit and how much she would affect my life._

While Jack was remembering how Samantha entered his life, she was getting dressed at home. The day ahead of her could be one of the hardest of her life.

_I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I am getting ready for work, but it is as if I am looking at someone else doing it. My routine is the same as every day, but my mind is in overdrive. I don't know how I managed to ma__tch my pants, blouse and jacket! _

She wore the necklace Jack gave her and took a last look in the mirror.

_This will be a reminder to him every time he looks at me. Yes, Sam you can do this. You are a professional. You can't let Jack see that you're hurt._

She entered the bullpen with a cup of coffee in her hands, just as she would have done every other day. She sipped her coffee and pretended nothing had changed. Without looking toward Jack's office, she went to her desk. She tried to pretend, but she felt as if everyone was looking at her. She looked up and no one was.

"Good morning, Viv."

"Samantha, hi, are you feeling better?" Vivian asked, while she put her gun into her desk drawer.

"Yeah, just a stomach flu, thank you. I am sorry I missed the party. I bet it was great!"

"Oh, yes! And the girls put on a little dancing show for Jack."

"How sweet! I'm sure Jack was thrilled. He loves them. Everything they do makes him happy."

Jack was observing Vivian and Sam's exchange from his desk. He had followed Sam with his eyes since she made her appearance in the office. She looked normal.

_She is very good at hiding her feeling when she wants. She could be a perfect liar. And she made me a liar too. _

_The first time I lied to Maria was because of her. It was late and we had just finished our reports. She came into my office to give me her report before going away and I felt the need to stop her. I wasn't ready to go back home. Or was I really not ready to leave the office… and Samantha?_

"_Hey, Sam, I need to wind down before I go home; do you want to grab a drink?"_

"_Sure. Give me five minutes."_

_Five minutes. How your life can change in five minutes... I phoned Maria and I told her that there was a problem, that I had to wait for a report from the police and I would be very late._

"_But you said you solved the case, what do you have to wait for? Can't it wait until tomorrow morning?"_

"_I'm sorry, Maria. But I have to hand in the report tonight, and I have to be sure all the paperwork is in and complete. You know how you lawyers can be… Give the girls a kiss for me. Good night." _

_It was strange, but I didn't feel guilty. And it became easier and easier to not go home. _

_I really liked training Sam; she was smart, she was curious, she was blond and she was also very ambitious. She spent late hours at the office and I felt compelled to stay too. I started to find more and more reasons to work with her. I don't know why, but I felt the need to be near her. She probably noticed. She had been interested in me and my work since the beginning, but at some point we didn't only work together anymore – we spent time together. We started to share our dinners and, then, her bed. _

_How did we end up so close?__It is still a mystery. Maybe Sam bewitched me. What did she find in me? I never asked. I was too scared of having to answer the same question_.

The ring of the phone diverted his attention from his thoughts. It was Olzyck. There was a new case. Everything would be normal again. But, it would be a new 'normal'.

Jack arrived in the bullpen with some files. A new case. Jack and Samantha locked their eyes for a moment and then Jack started to present the case. Vivian felt something wasn't right, there was tension in the air. Something happened, something between them. But as Jack assigned the tasks, all went back into work mode.

"Vivian and Danny, do a background check, then call me. Sam, come with me. We have to speak with the family."

_He called me Sam. He lost the right to call me that. My name is Samantha and that is what he will call me. _

"I'll wait for you in the garage," Sam said as she played with her necklace.

_She is trying to tell me something. That necklace… she isn't going to make things easy for me. I have to get her alone so we can talk; I need to know she is all right. We cannot just ignore what has happened._

When Jack arrived in the garage, Samantha was already in the driver's seat. He joined her and then asked what he knew he had to ask.

"Sam-antha, is everything okay?"

"I am fine, why wouldn't I be?" and she turned her head toward the street as looking into his eyes was too painful.

_Is he really asking this? He is a piece of work!_

"Sam, I…"

"Stop it, Jack. I need time to work this out. Things will get back to normal soon. I'm sorry, I forgot the address… uptown?"

A pensive Jack murmured a yes_._

_She is right, we cannot erase the past. But, what will the future be? Yes, we will get back to normal, and it will be a 'new normal'._

THE END


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